I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
❤️🦆
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
How funny!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.