Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Do not steal food from the science building!
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets