Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
You Might Also Like
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us