Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…