trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
🤣😈🤣
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
this post was so formative to me
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.