THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
*seductively eats two tums*
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
man i love columbo
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.