Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Twitter is like:
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angry guy who didn’t get the joke