First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me