Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
You Might Also Like
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
everyone’s a critic
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?