There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
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My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great