Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car