My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
liiiiiiiiike
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive