Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
seems like a niche market
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.