[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks