The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.