I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face