No, I don’t think I will.
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.