Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
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“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”