Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA