Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
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[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Friends that check up on you >
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
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just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
gentlemen, hear me out
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.