Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for