I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.