enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
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Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
R.I.P.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My dad is at it again
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.