I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot