I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
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this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons