HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.