I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
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Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
They must have gotten it to go.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner