me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
You Might Also Like
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!