Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
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Had a spot of bother earlier.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂