I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
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Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant