I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
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Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”