Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I don’t think my car can fly
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Bootstraps
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
*ernest hemingway voice*
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down