Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Who’s your best friend?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.