Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
o shit
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*