Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
You Might Also Like
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*