Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
who will stop them
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?