Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there