the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.