WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
smh
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”