I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
You Might Also Like
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.