centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.