best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
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a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I love you…
…r dog.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy