Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater