“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
and now we wait
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.