Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
We avoided this particular disaster
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama