MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get