Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*