When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.