Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does