you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
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I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.